TALLINN — A recent study conducted by the University of Saarinmaa has confirmed that Estonia is home to 224 different ethnicities. However, researchers also found that 223 of them are still baffled by the local coffee etiquette.
The study showcased a stunning range of cultural backgrounds, including the mysterious ‘Kohvi’ people, who reportedly brew coffee with a recipe lost in translation.
”We discovered that most ethnicities in Estonia celebrate their differences, except when it comes to making coffee. Everyone seems to have their own idea of how it should be brewed!”
At a recent gathering of the nation’s ethnic groups, a heated debate erupted over the proper way to serve kohv. Some argued for a strong brew, while others insisted only a “mild” blend should make it to the table. One particularly spirited exchange between a Kihnu fisherman and a Tartu librarian almost ended with a flying pot of coffee.
”I just want a good cup of black, not a diplomatic incident!” shouted a frustrated 3rd generation expat who was liberal in his use of cream but universally hated for it.
Ultimately, the study notes that while Estonia’s ethnic plurality is worth celebrating, the bitter rivalry over coffee preparation threatens to brew disunity.
At press time, a new coalition was formed, aiming to unite all coffee drinkers under a common roast—ironically named, “The Only True Bean.”