TALLINN — In a shocking turn of events, Estonians have voted to extend winter by two months, effectively pushing the beginning of spring to sometime in early July. The referendum saw 87% support for the colder days, much to the dismay of local Szalupa producers, who reported a sudden nationwide shortage of thirst-quenching beverages.
”This is a true testament to our love for winter!” claimed Juri, a proud supporter sipping hot black coffee outside a Kalamaja cafe. “What’s better than shoveling fresh snow off your car while questioning your life decisions?” He added that surely people should embrace the long, dark months, particularly if it means more sauna gatherings.
”At least with winter, there’s a reason for all this leib consumption!”
Nationwide protests erupted from expats living in Estonia, many of whom thought they had misunderstood the concept of “cold weather.” One American reported, “I thought this place would have summer, but it feels more like a never-ending ski trip where you’re not allowed to wear a swimsuit. What do you mean I can’t BBQ on the balcony?”
The government reassured residents that the decision was purely in the spirit of advancing Estonian culture. “We can harness the energy of our cold spirit to power our summer festivals!” said Peeter, an economist, who might be overestimating the effectiveness of sauna-hating dance parties.
At press time, officials were considering a competing referendum to determine if autumn should last until February. Signs reading “Embrace the Frost” adorn streets, but most people seem to be displaying them while bundled up in oversized jackets.