TALLINN — Mart Jõgis, a local coffee enthusiast, is embroiled in a lawsuit after neighbors claimed his houseplants were suffering from insufficient caffeine. The suit alleges that Mart’s refusal to give his ferns a morning coffee infusion is a form of plant neglect.
”I thought Estonian stoicism applied to all living things, including my plants! They’re not children, they should toughen up!” Mart exclaimed, defending himself outside the courthouse.
His neighbor, Aino Raudsepp, argues otherwise. “Everyone knows that coffee is the secret to healthy plants. My hydrangeas sing every night after their espresso! It’s like a new wave of gardening!” she passionately declared, possibly forgetting that singing plants are not typical.
Mart insisted he only waters his greenery with pristine Eesti tap water, emphasizing, “I thought being a modern man meant not overindulging. Besides, have you seen my leib? Do I look like a frivolous person?"
"Coffee is not optional. It’s a lifestyle!”
The court is set to decide if caffeine is a mandatory dietary requirement for houseplants or if Mart’s approach to gardening can be classified as Estonian minimalism. A verdict is expected just in time for the spring planting season.
At press time, Aino was spotted outside a local Selver, attempting to find the best coffee for her jade plant.