TALLINN — The Estonian government has announced plans for a new National Sauna Etiquette Law aimed at ensuring no one accidentally embarrasses themselves in the country’s beloved saunas. Preliminary polls indicate that 90% of Estonians agree the initiative is crucial, with the remaining 10% reportedly confused about what a sauna even is.
”It’s time we take sauna etiquette seriously,” said Minister of Leisure, Aivo Saar, while clutching a towel. “We can’t have people disturbing the peace with unnecessary small talk or, heaven forbid, inappropriate birch branch usage.”
Experts suggest that the proposed law aims to define essential sauna rules, including proper steam levels, acceptable levels of silence, and the legal use of herbal teas. However, they admit that misunderstanding could lead to disastrous consequences. “What if someone brings kohv? In a sauna? It’s offensive,” claimed sauna enthusiast Mart Pärn.
“We’re crucially aware that sauna is sacred ground in Estonia. Not following protocol could lead to serious sauna punishment—like no leib for a week.”
One sauna-goer, who wished to remain anonymous, spoke out against the new regulations. “I’ve been using saunas for years, and my way works fine. Who needs rules when you can just sweat in peace?”
Despite the opposition, the government remains determined. They believe regulated sauna conduct could enhance the nation’s international standing. “Imagine a world where everyone knows not to shout during the singing of sauna songs!” exclaimed Aivo.
At press time, opposition party members were reportedly devising a sauna etiquette workshop to counter the proposal. However, they confirmed that they wouldn’t discuss it publicly until after their next sauna session.