TALLINN — Local man Marko Kaldem has recently developed a serious case of agoraphobia after being offline for a mere 18 minutes.
”I’ve never seen anything like it, really,” said his neighbor Juri, who witnessed Marko pacing back and forth in his doorframe like a lost cat. “At first, we thought it was just a prank, but then we realized he was genuinely afraid of the outside world. No Wi-Fi, no life!”
The issue arose when the country’s e-government system unexpectedly went offline, leading to a temporary regression to paper forms for 18 agonizing minutes. Citizens were reportedly seen wandering around Selver supermarkets, confused and disoriented, trying to buy kohv without a smartphone payment.
”Marko believes he heard birds singing outside but has since decided that’s a conspiracy to distract him from his computer. He won’t leave the apartment until the Wi-Fi is fixed,”
Marko’s experience mirrors that of many loyal e-Estonians who panicked during the brief outage. Witnesses claim a group of tourists roamed through Tallinn Old Town, asking for directions using only an old-fashioned map.
At press time, Marko was last seen researching DIY Wi-Fi boosters made from leib and homemade vodka.