TALLINN — In a shocking move, Tallinn city officials have declared March 13th as ‘No Coffee Day’ in a bid to combat rising caffeine levels among the population. According to the city council, excessive coffee consumption has led to an alarming increase in energy, disturbing the sacred rituals of sauna-goers nationwide.
”We’ve noticed a trend: Estonians entering the sauna with far too much energy. They’re singing Kalevipoeg loudly, and it’s disrupting the peace,” said local official Kadri Vihma. “No one can enjoy their quiet reflection time when Juri is bouncing off the walls after three espressos. It’s chaos!”
Residents have mixed feelings. Some embrace the idea, eager for a day of uninterrupted tranquility, while others are outraged—especially the local cafes, which worry they’ll lose a week’s worth of revenue in one day.
“I don’t understand why we can’t just enjoy coffee responsibly. It’s called moderation, people!”
The council will provide complimentary herbal tea to help ease citizens through this challenging day without their beloved kohv. Failure to comply may result in a 25-euro fine, which will go directly towards funding free saunas.
Critics say the ban on coffee is an affront to Estonian culture. However, supporters argue it will restore balance in the sauna and protect future generations from becoming overly caffeinated disco balls.
At press time, a rogue group of coffee enthusiasts was reportedly planning an underground espresso festival in an undisclosed location.